MarkHowellLive.com » Leader Tips

A Sense of Who You Are

Mark Howell — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 11:50:29 +0000

One of the things each of us needs is an accurate sense of who we are. This is essential.

First, our appraisal needs to be accurate. This is where 360 degree evaluations come in. This is where Marcus Buckingham’s strengths assessment or the one in Stand Out (Buckingham’s new, even more powerful, assessment) come in. An accurate assessment of our own gifts and abilities.

An accurate sense is essential, as the tendency might be for one’s assessment to tend toward either an inflated sense or deflated.

Inflated could be generated by illusory superiority, sometimes referred to as the Lake Wobegon effect, (named after Garrison Keillor‘s fictional town where “all the children are above average”).

Deflated isn’t the same as legitimate and healthy modesty. Sometimes it can be the “aw shucks” variety that is really aimed at the “tell me more about how much of a difference maker I am” kind of deflated. And sometimes it’s just that you don’t actually know who God’s made you to be.

Either way, it is essential that you find out.

Why are we talking about this today? I have two reasons:

First and foremost, we’ll know what we’re going to be held accountable for. If each of us are given responsibilities and opportunities “according to our abilities,” it will definitely pay off to know what our abilities are. Right? Need more on this one? See The Right People in the Right Seats and More on the Right People in the Right Seats.

Second, and this is also huge, when we have an accurate sense of who we are, among other things, we’ll know how likely it is that the small group leaders in our organisation can do what we can do. We need to be on guard against what is often referred to as “gift projection.” That is, you are a gifted small group leader, able almost without preparation to shift the direction of a discussion and seize the moment…and you act like anyone can do it.

Takeaway

Every one of your small group leaders are wired in their own way. They are not all the same. They cannot all do what you can do. You cannot do what some of them are wired to do. Be careful that you make it possible for each of them to actually hear “well done.” Some of your small group leaders will make it happen with the teaching gift. Others will use sensitive and skillful facilitation. Some will be so encouraging and filled with mercy that they will draw hurting people who just need a listening ear. And some will pop in the DVD and fumble through the next 45 minutes hemming and hawing…and somehow the Holy Spirit will take what happens and feed everyone in the room.

Every one of these scenarios is possible…if everyone is allowed to be who God made them to be. Knowing who you are and who they are is absolutely essential.

Want do you think? Know who you are? You can click here to jump into the conversation.

Staying Spiritually Vibrant | New Simple Leader Tip from Bill Search

Mark Howell — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 11:50:15 +0000

Love this simple encouragement from my friend Bill Search, Small Group Pastor at Southeast Christian Church and author of Simple Small Groups. If you like this one, you’ll find a lot of great content right here.

Can’t see the video? Click here.

Skill Training: Help Your Life Group Survive the Holidays

Mark Howell — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 11:50:37 +0000

As your life group approaches Thanksgiving, there are several things you can do to help your group survive the holidays.

Now, you might be thinking, “That sounds pretty serious! Survive the holidays? Isn’t that being a little dramatic?”

I don’t think it’s overly dramatic at all.

Why? It’s just too easy to finish a study right before Thanksgiving and say to each other, “See you in January!” You wouldn’t think it…but the holidays (from Thanksgiving through New Year’s) are 4 or 5 pretty precarious weeks. In my experience, this period is second only to the summer in grouplife mortality.

4 Keys to Surviving the Holidays

There is a solution. And it’s not to just keep meeting! After all, people are travelling. There are family commitments and office parties. There is just a lot going on. But there are four things you can do to help your group survive. Here they are:

Choose the study you will do next before you break…and try to do at least 1 or 2 sessions by December 8th or so. For example, this year Thanksgiving is on November 24th. Assuming you don’t meet the week of Thanksgiving, you could meet the following week and that would make a big difference. I’ve listed several options right here.
Plan a Christmas party for your group! Rather than breaking before Thanksgiving, why not have a potluck dinner or a Christmas dessert night? Do an ornament exchange or a White Elephant Gift Exchange. Whatever you do, find a fun reason to meet.
Figure out a way to serve together in December! Whether your group serves Thanksgiving dinner at a local homeless shelter, sings Christmas carols at a nearby retirement home, or serves as greeters or ushers for a Christmas Eve service, there is something about stepping up to do something for someone else…that brings a group together.
Pull out your calendars and schedule your first January meeting. This might seem like overkill, but if you’ll all agree on the date of your first meeting in January, your group is much more likely to survive!

I See Dead Groups

Mark Howell — Thu, 26 May 2011 10:50:59 +0000

“Our small group just doesn’t have the energy it used to.” Seeming genuinely perplexed, he continued, ”We’re really not sure what we should do. We’ve decided to take a break this fall. But maybe it’s best to just move on? It just feels stale. Any ideas?”

Maybe you’ve had this conversation with a leader. Maybe you’ve had a group yourself and wondered why it seemed stuck. Most of us have been there.

Here’s a core assumption for me:

Every small group has a lifespan. They don’t live forever. Most groups have a lifespan of 18 to 24 months…max.

How you feelin’? Want to argue?

Maybe you’re wondering about a group or two that you’ve been part of that seemed to last a lot longer than that? Stick with me. There’s something you need to know.

Groups can be dead and just not know it. They can still meet, still choose curriculum, hang out. They can do all of that and be dead…and just not know it.

How is this possible? Read on…

The Sixth Sense and GroupLife:

Let me give you a way to think about this. The Sixth Sense, written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan tells the story of Cole Sear (Haley Joel Osment), a troubled, isolated boy who “sees dead people,” and an equally troubled child psychologist (Bruce Willis) who tries to help him.

You know the movie, right? You may not have seen it. I did. It was a great movie. Although several of the scenes still spook me when I think about them, it was a great movie on several levels.

Can’t see the video? Click here to watch the scene.

(Spoiler Alert) Throughout the movie, the psychologist worked hard to help the boy. He was very understanding. He seemed to genuinely care about the boy. And then at the very end of the movie, in one of the greatest plot twists of all time, you suddenly realized that the psychologist was dead the whole time. The whole time! The boy could see him and even talk with him. But he was dead.

How This Relates to the Lifespan of a Group

In the same way that the psychologist seemed alive, some groups seem alive. The test for the psychologist is clear. What’s the test for a group?

Some diagnostic questions might help:

Is the group still an environment where life-change is happening?
What are the spiritual growth issues being worked on?
What are the spiritual next steps that are being taken?
Are there group members whose spiritual vitality is confined by the limits of the group?
Is it just comfortable?

Obviously, every group is unique. There are clearly exceptions to the 18 to 24 month guideline. How will you know which ones are dead? Can you tell when they’re dying?

I say yes. There are clear signs. If you ever watch The Sixth Sense a second time you see all kinds of signs that he’s dead. It’s amazingly more obvious the second time around.

In the same way, if you begin looking at the groups in your system with an eye for lifespan…you’ll start to notice a lack of certain vital signs. There are definitely steps you can take to revitalize a group (I loved Rick Howerton’s, 10 Tips for a Small Group Makeover). There are also times when you’ll see the wisdom of encouraging certain groups to consider taking a small group vacation.

The main takeaway? Groups have a lifespan. The objective of grouplife is life-change. If you’re paying attention, you’ll begin to notice dead groups. And you’ll have a better idea what to do.

By the way, the post that followed this one, FAQ: Shouldn’t Every Group Have a Vision to Multiply? provoked a conversation that was just as engaged.

What do you think? Agree? Want to argue? You can click here to jump into the conversation.

The Simplest Way to Help Your Members Pray Out Loud

Mark Howell — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 12:15:30 +0000

We have all been there. You come to the end of the meeting. You ask, “How can we pray for you this week?” Most of your group members share a prayer request. You say, “Let’s pray.” And no one else prays. At least, no one else prays out loud.

What can you do? How can you help your group members learn to pray out loud?

I’ve written about this before. In fact, Top 10 Ways to Learn to Pray Together is one of my most popular articles. But last fall when I started a new group for our church-wide campaign I slightly tweaked one of my top 10 ways and it worked so well I want to tell you in a little more detail what I did.

Here’s the Simplest Way to Help Your Members Pray Aloud

It was the end of our second meeting. I said, “Prayer is just talking with God. That’s all it is. And if you think about it, we would definitely do some things differently if Jesus was physically here with us tonight. Wouldn’t we? If He was sitting right here (I patted the empty chair next to me) we probably wouldn’t close our eyes to talk with Him. Right?”

(It was a fun moment. No one knew where this was going.)

I continued, “If Jesus was sitting right here, if He was physically part of our group, we probably wouldn’t use any kind of special language…like refer to Him as ‘Thee’ or ‘Thou.’ Right?”

(Everyone was nodding. They still didn’t know where it was going.)

“Well, the Bible says ‘Where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am with them (Matthew 18:20 NIV).’ So really, He is here right now.”

“Here’s what I want you to do. I want you to imagine that Jesus is sitting right here, right now. And I want you to think of one thing you’re thankful for, one thing, not a lot of things. And I want you to keep your eyes open and tell Jesus the one thing. It can’t be a long thing. Just one, simple thing.”

And my group, all 12 of them (9 from backgrounds where they’d never prayed out loud), went around the circle and said one thing, eyes open, to the empty chair.

Very cool.

The Next Week

The next week (our 3rd meeting) we came to the end of the meeting and I split the group into four groups and sent them to their own rooms or areas with this assignment. I said, “Imagine that you each have Jesus with you in your little group. I want you to share with Jesus one need that you personally have. Eyes open. Look at a spot in the circle if you need to. Just take a few minutes to do that and then we’re done.”

The Week After That

The next week I sent them back to their little groups of 3 and said, “This week I want you to imagine that Jesus is with you again. Right in your little circle. I want each of you to share a need that you have with Jesus and your group. After you’ve done that, I want each of you to pray for the person on your right, eyes open, and just ask Jesus to meet their need.”

6 Months Later

Does everyone pray out loud when our meetings end? Not all the time. But many more do. And if we subgroup, it’s very common for everyone to pray. Even better? Last week when we ran out of time, I asked everyone to connect with one other group member (from their little group) and share a personal prayer request. As the meeting broke up, I noticed several little prayer meetings going on. Pretty cool…I have to say.

Leader Lifter: How Can I Get My Members to Talk?

Mark Howell — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 11:45:31 +0000

(This Leader Lifter is from Allen White, one of the sharpest small group pastors anywhere. His blog, AllenWhite.org, is a great resource.)

—————————
After so many questions about dealing with difficult people in groups, I’m tempted to say, “Count your blessings.” But, we do want everyone to get involved in the group discussion. The most significant gift that we can give another person is our full attention and a listening ear. There are several reasons why your group members may not be talking.

1. How large is your group? Quiet people tend to disappear in large groups. The quick solution is to make your group smaller. If your group has more than eight people, then sub-group during the discussion. I do this with my group that meets in a restaurant. When it’s time for the discussion, we divide it down the middle. One half of the table turns toward each other to discuss, and the other half does the same. It works. Everybody can get their word in.

Another way to get quieter folks to talk during the discussion is called “Neighbor Nudging.” It goes like this: “Okay, on this next question, turn to the person next to you and discuss it, then we’ll come back together again.” Every person is at least talking to one other person.

If your small group is beginning to look like a small church, it might be time to think about sub-grouping on a permanent basis. As Andy Stanley says, “It’s not a small group if it has a back row.”

2. Who tends to answer first? If your more talkative members are the first to answer every question, then it’s time to have a conversation with them. For some pointers on dealing with talkative members, check this post: They Keep Talking and They Won’t Shut Up. If someone is dominating the conversation, then your quieter members won’t try to enter in.

If you, as the leader, are the first to answer the questions, stop it. Count to 10. Count to 100. Give your group an opportunity to answer. If you answer every question, the discussion will be inhibited because you have gone from facilitating to teaching. The teaching gift is awesome, if you have a class. Your small group is not a class.

3. Get comfortable with silence. Silence is deafening. We don’t talk about awkward noise. It’s awkward silence. But, in your small group, silence is golden. It allows people to think. Silence also allows reluctant people to finally chime in.

4. Assume that your members didn’t prepare. We used to say that statistically half of group members do homework and half don’t. These days I think far fewer group members prepare for the meeting. Don’t get on your soapbox, just go with it. As the leader, you’ve looked over the questions and thought about the answers. Since your group members are coming in cold, they will need a little time to think about the answers and respond. Allow for a little thinking time. Refer back to #3.

5. Talk to Your Quiet Members Post-Meeting. If they didn’t have anything to say during the meeting, talk to them about the topic after the meeting. Hear what they think. Give them positive feedback about what they have to say. (Don’t lie.) “That’s a really good point. Wow, I wish you would have shared that with the group.” Each touch will build their confidence to participate in the group.

The last thing you want in small group is yet another environment where someone can’t get their word in. The early church met in temple courts and house to house (Acts 5:42). The large gathering was informational and inspirational. The smaller gathering was interactive.

How are you going to help your quieter group members this week?

____________

Allen White is writer, trainer and small group pastor and the South Carolina State Point Person for the Small Group Network. He also serves as a board member for Water of Life, Greer, SC: givefreshwater.org.

Bill Donahue on Turning Meetings into Moments

Mark Howell — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 11:50:24 +0000

Bill Donahue has been one of the most influential voices in small group ministry for almost two decades. As a key player in the grouplife ministry at Willow Creek Community Church and the Willow Creek Association for 18 years, Bill was involved in many of the developments that have influenced so many of us.

I recently had an opportunity to ask him for some insight into the leadership secret that helps turn meetings into moments. Here’s how it went:

Mark: Building a Church of Small Groups has been a real source of inspiration for many of us over the last 10 years. One of the sections that continually pops up in conversation explores how to turn routine meetings into moments. Why do you think the idea of turning meetings into moments has been so important to so many people?

Bill: People are tired of having meetings that seem to be trivial, scripted or just too routine. And many people think that a “group” = “meeting” instead of seeing the full range of community experiences and relationships that could exist.

I consider a group meeting successful, regardless of content and format, if people meet God and one another in significant, meaningful ways. That means we leaders must guide a meeting in such a way that creates an environment for spiritual growth, and a place for connecting with God at the personal and group level.

Mark: You point out that Jesus led his group into spiritual community by creating moments. Can you give an example of a time when Jesus created a moment?

Bill: Jesus created a moment when he picked up the towel and washed their feet. It caught them off guard and challenged them to think out of the box. My wife and I were leading a group and she placed a pile of small rocks in the middle of the room. Each had a character quality or attribute of God on it. Then she asked, “Complete the sentence: ‘As I look back at the week I just experienced, I am so glad that God is _________________.’”

As people answered she invited them to take a rock that had that quality or attribute. Then we discussed who God was, worshiped using a CD, and then she invited people to take a stone home with them to place on a desk at work or some visible place as a reminder. It created a very powerful and memorable moment around God’s character.

Mark: There are also times when an opportunity to “seize a moment” presents itself. What did that look like for Jesus?

Bill: As Christ was teaching in the upper room (John 13:33ff) we see he mentions his departure, then talks about love. But the disciples are not listening. They are still stunned by his reference to his leaving. So instead of asking, “Tell us more of this love,” Peter says, “Lord, where are you going?” Jesus, instead of saying, “Hey—I was talking about love!” sees they are worried. So, in John 14:1ff he begins to comfort them. He has seized a moment of fear and anxiety, and addressed it.

When leading a group, try to remain aware of not just the content you are discussing, but the reaction you are seeing – body language, tone of voice, distracted comments. These may indicate that there are other things going on. Step into that moment and see what the Holy Spirit is doing. Perhaps there is fear, or misunderstanding, or some other theme that is in conflict with the content of the discussion.

Mark: And then, there are times when Jesus marked moments. In the book you refer to the last supper, when Jesus said, “Do this in remembrance of me,” providing an indelible reminder of his death every time they ever celebrated it again. How can we mark moments in that way?

Bill: Marking moments is simple. Take some time to pause and reflect on the work of God in your group. Create a celebration for what he has been doing, either at the meeting or at a favorite restaurant. Or pause and pray to give thanks for a new insight, a heart that has just opened for the first time, or a relational risk someone has taken.

You can ask people to write on a large sheet of paper the work they see God doing in the group. Allow each person time to write some thoughts or draw pictures. Then allow each one to describe the words or images, naming the specific work of God that has been done in the context of the group. It will become a memory, a tangible way to chronicle God’s grace and goodness. Memories matter!

Mark: This is great stuff, Bill! Thank you so much for sharing with us all!

————-

You really need to subscribe to Bill’s blog and follow him on twitter or connect with him on Facebook.

His books, Building a Church of Small Groups, The 7 Deadly Sins of Small Group Ministry and Walking the Small Group Tightrope (with Russ Robinson), along with Leading Life-Changing Small Groups and Coaching Life-Changing Small Group Leaders (with Greg Bowman) have been essential reading for all of us.

Bill Search on Southeast’s Online Leader Training Resource

Mark Howell — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 13:19:42 +0000

One of the most helpful small group leader training tools to come out in the last several years is Bill Search’s book, Simple Small Groups. I wrote a review on it right here and included it in my 5 Essential GroupLife Reads.

Hadn’t talked with Bill in a while and was excited when I got his email pointing me to a great new resource on the Southeast Christian Church website. When he mentioned that it was intentionally designed to be helpful to other churches…I knew you’d want to check it out. I also took the opportunity to ask Bill a few questions.

Mark: What have you been up to since Simple Small Groups came out?

Bill: I just celebrated my fourth anniversary at Southeast Christian Church in Louisville. It’s a blast working at a church like Southeast. There is always something going on. Just like every other groups pastor out there I’m developing leaders, praying for more, and helping groups enjoy health. I’ve had the privilege of training other church leaders on the three biblical patterns of a healthy group from northern Canada to Havana, Cuba, and places in between.

Mark: What are your biggest challenges right now at Southeast?

Bill: We are experiencing tremendous growth. We baptized more than 2,000 people last year. With so many new Christians joining the challenge is helping them grow and mature and groups is a key part of that.

Mark: What are you seeing as the big grouplife priorities at Southeast?

Bill: We want groups to be more than a gathering of friends that put community at the center. We really want people to understand that Jesus should be at the center of their group. We should live and Jesus did. Our biggest grouplife priority is helping our people see groups as an integral part of growing as a disciple of Jesus.

Mark: I love the Leader Training Videos on your website. What motivated you to invest the time and energy in developing this tool?

Bill: We found many of our group leaders were wrestling with common problems. We figured if we answered those simple questions it would free us up to engage our leaders about deeper matters. Also, we wanted our leaders to have answers to their questions as the questions came up. So we made the videos and put them online. We also have them on DVD for leaders would rather have that format. We also wanted to share with other churches the resources God has blessed us with. We purposely didn’t mention Southeast on the videos so leaders from other churches can use.

Mark: Thanks for sharing the link with all of us!

Bill: It was a pleasure talking with you, Mark. Thanks for your encouragement to the great grouplife community across the globe!

——————-

You can take a look at Southeast’s Leader Training Videos right here. I think you’re going to be bookmarking this site and linking to it on your own small group leader blog! Great stuff!

Skill Training: Help Your New Groups Have a Great First Meeting

Mark Howell — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 11:55:57 +0000

You know what they say. “You only get one chance to make a good first impression.” If that’s true it makes a lot of sense to help your new groups have a great first meeting. Here are some key steps:

Preparing for Your First Meeting

Call your group members early in the week at a time when they’ll likely be home. Don’t just leave a voice mail message. At this stage, personal contact is critical.
Enlist someone to help you make the calls. Increased buy-in is important.
Ask each person to bring something (cokes, chips, etc.). This cements their attendance. They’re much more likely to show if you’re depending on them.
When you call them your enthusiasm is very important. Get yourself ready to call.
Make a map to your house and send this out a week ahead of time.

First Meeting

Recruit another member of two to be there early and help greet people at the door.
Have name tags and markers ready at the door.
Start your group off with an informal “meet and greet” session. The agenda for this meeting is all about helping people feel relaxed and comfortable with the other members of their new group.
Arrange for an uninterrupted session (i.e., childcare needs, food prepared in advance, etc.).
Discuss the group agreement. This is an important step. Don’t miss it. This can be done at the “meet and greet” or at the next meeting (when anyone new joins the group later the covenant should be reviewed).
Set a date and place for the next meeting before you dismiss.

Meeting Follow-up

Call or touch base with each person who attended the meeting to encourage them. This extra step helps them to continue to forge a relationship with you. Look for them at church. Any contact in between meetings will help cement them to their new group.
Call all of your new group members a couple days before your next meeting. Don’t assume that they’ll remember. They need your encouragement.

By the way, I’ve made this form available at Small Group Connections and Host Orientations for years. It’s a helpful reminder to include in new leader packets. You can download a copy right here.

Looking for other skill training ideas? Take a look at my article, the Top 10 Essential Small Group Leader Skills

Skill Training: How to Develop More Leaders

Mark Howell — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

Help! I can’t find enough leaders!

I don’t know about you…but that is the most common complaint/concern I hear when I talk with small group champions. And the most common question I hear is “How can I find more leaders?” I’ve written a number of articles in answering that question. You can see them right here.

Today I want to talk about how to develop more leaders. This is an essential skill for all small group leaders but it’s not intuitive for most and it will rarely happen naturally or on the initiative of your existing leaders. If you want it to happen system-wide, you must teach the concept and develop the expectations and skills that make it happen.

Basic Concept

The basic concept is that every group has multiple people who can lead (or help lead) a group. I’m not suggesting that everyone can lead. I’m simply pointing out that there are many group members who actually could lead a group if they were given the opportunity and motivated somehow to try it.

Do you believe that? I hope so. If you believe that, then the next step is to help your existing leaders begin to practice the skills that will allow and encourage everyone who can lead to give it a try.

Leader Development Practices

There are several practices that will help more adults give leading a try.

Make it a fun experiment! As you begin a new study, let everyone know that “we’re all going to take a turn facilitating this one.” To do that, you’ll need to select a study that requires little preparation and comes very close to leading itself (which is always a great idea).
Begin by handing off sections of every session. “Bob, why don’t you lead the Connect section next week?” “Sue, next week I’d like you to lead the prayer time at the end. Watch how I do it this week and then you do it next week. Okay?” Starting members out with bite-sized assignments will ease a toe into the water of leading. Always a good place to begin.
Practice sub-grouping as often as you can. Start when you have 7 members. Never stop. You can begin by random sub-grouping (I’ve tried everything from counting off by threes or drawing numbers from a hat) and move to more intentional (affinities that might ultimately result in a new group).
Meet separately from time to time or on a regular basis. Many groups have developed the practice of meeting together twice a month and separately twice a month (i.e., let the men and women have their own time on occasion). This helps develop additional leadership capacity…as long as you don’t just recruit the usual suspects.
Broaden the invitation list for leader training events and meetings. Encourage all of your group leaders to bring additional facilitators to your leader training events. Include a breakout designed for new facilitators in the skill training section on your meeting agenda.

Want to develop more leaders? Start making leader development a priority. Better yet…start measuring the number of groups that do what we’ve talked about here. You’ll begin to see development.

Click here to see the rest of my skill training articles?