MarkHowellLive.com » small group ministry

Sexuality and Small Group Membership

Mark Howell — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 11:50:05 +0000

Recently I had a great question from a reader who wanted some feedback on establishing a policy on a very sensitive matter. I’ve edited to provide some clarity, but here’s the question:

We discovered that we have some unmarried couples (who live together) in couples’ groups and at least one lesbian couple attending a women’s group. While we truly believe that small groups are the optimum environment for life change, we don’t want to give the impression that we are condoning these lifestyle choices.

I’d like to establish a guideline that while everyone is welcome in groups, unmarried couples (gay or straight) cannot be in the same Life Group (our structure consists of married couples groups, men’s groups and women’s groups).

If you have advice to share or can direct me to resources dealing with this issue, I would greatly appreciate it.

My Response

My initial response was to ask, “What is the purpose of these particular groups and groups in general in your small group ministry? The purpose of the group determines who it is designed for, who would be eligible to attend, and who would be encouraged to find another group.”

One pattern for small group ministries is to establish specific groups for married couples (coed), and separate groups for men and women. It’s probably more common for ministries to also have catch-all groups that are a true mix of couples and singles, men and women, but the pattern chosen by the church in question isn’t unique to that church.

I’ve mentioned many times that there are no problem-free solutions. Every solution to a ministry issue comes with a set of problems attached. Wise leaders simply choose the set of problems they’d rather have.

You can see in the reader’s question an interest in establishing a policy that is marital status specific, with an asterisk to cover the possibility of a gay or lesbian marriage (at least, that’s how it will appear).

Here’s my advice:

You may want to consider adding a type of group that is more inclusive. Remember, the well-worn path never leads to a new destination and it may take a new thing to connect people you’re not connecting now. Groups for couples and singles may provide the kind of first step that allows everyone to feel accepted, loved and cared for as they are while being encouraged to become like Jesus (for more on this, see John Burke’s No Perfect People Allowed).
Whether you add a coed type of group or not, you need to develop an FAQ that covers why you offer groups for married couples (marital status) and separate groups for men and women (gender specific). A clear purpose for each will be a requirement and you’d be wise to test your premise on some very crowd sensitive people. It’s amazing how reasonable things appear to insiders and how obviously out-of-touch and insensitive they can appear to the very people we hope to reach.
In addition to an FAQ, it will be essential to develop a clear, winsome way of promoting the kinds of groups that you offer. Whether you’re promoting grouplife in a bulletin, on the web, in a newsletter or verbally, you’ll need to use language that clearly defines the purpose of the group (i.e., “If you’re looking for a way to improve your marriage, sign up today for the Couples Small Group Connection on January 30th.”). By the way, carefully thinking through the degree of difficulty in promoting a kind of group that is gender specific with a sexual partner asterisk may force you back to the drawing board.

I really think this is an important conversation. I hope you’ll come back tomorrow for a look at how Gateway Church in Austin looks at the issue of sexuality and small groups. If you’re not signed up to get my updates, you can do that right here.

What do you think? What would you add or what would you say different? You can leave a comment by clicking here.

Working On vs Working In…Your Ministry

Mark Howell — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 13:00:01 +0000

What have you done this week that’s had the most impact? Was it meeting a small group leader for coffee? Writing this week’s sermon-based study for the groups following the message? How about the conversation you had with the new couple looking for a group right after the 11:00 a.m. service?

What have you done this week that’s had the most impact?

First of all, I get that your individual wiring plays a big part in your specific answer. Where you personally have the greatest impact is influenced by your wiring or your SHAPE. That’s true.

Working In Your Ministry

But…and this is really important…all of those examples are what I’d call working in your ministry. That is, you’re personally investing in a coach or a leader or a potential member. And that’s great. And you may feel satisfaction in knowing that the individual coach benefited or that leader benefited or that potential member benefited. But that’s almost never the most important thing you do.

Working On Your Ministry

Leaders of small group ministries have their greatest impact when they’re working on their ministry.

Impact the System: When you as the small group champion invest time clarifying what a win is for your ministry you’re investing in an activity that can impact the whole system.
Influence Neighborhoods: When you as the point person invest time designing the steps that lead to a larger HOST sign-up, you’re investing in an activity that can influence neighborhoods.
Transform Cities: When you as the small group pastor/director invest time in the conversations that lead to your missions pastor and missions team re-thinking the way local mission outreach is done, making it possible for whole groups to serve together, you’re investing in an activity that can transform cities.

I really want to encourage you to think this way and to design your week this way. If you’re not giving time every week to working on the small group ministry in your church…you’re missing your opportunity to have the greatest impact on the largest number of people for the longest period of time.

Work on your ministry so that you can impact the system, influence neighborhoods, and transform cities. I really believe there is a Parable of the Talents, Parable of the Minas, truth to this. For the greatest impact, the greatest return, invest your time and your energy in working on your ministry.

Resource: I really think that reading The 7 Practices of Effective Ministry could be one of the most effective things you do in the next few weeks. If you haven’t read this important ministry tool by Andy Stanley and Reggie Joiner, it’s time to make the investment. If you’ve already read it but you’re spending most of your time working in your ministry…it’s time to take it down from the shelf and read it again. Maybe with your team!

Comments? Does this make sense? I’d love to know what you think about this challenge! You can jump into the conversation by clicking right here.

Will You Reach Far Enough in 2011?

Mark Howell — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 11:40:43 +0000

Who will you connect in 2011? Will you focus your efforts on the usual suspects? Those still unconnected folks that already attend your weekend services a couple times a month but have been resisting commitment since before there was Sunday School?

Who will you connect in 2011? Will you take a shot at connecting the folks that only come a few times a year…but might come to a small group connection if the topic was right?

Who will you connect in 2011? Will this be the year that you choose a church-wide campaign that is actually designed to reach the neighbors and friends of the folks in your congregation?

Can I tell you something? I already know who you’ll connect this year. It’s not a magic trick either. Want to know what I know?

You’ll connect the people that you are intentional and imaginative enough to reach. No more. And no less.

It’s All About Intentionality

First of all, you’ll connect the people you are intentional enough to reach. That is, if you design your efforts to reach a certain kind of person (all the way from choosing the right curriculum and prioritizing the promotion of that event in the right ways and planning it at the optimum time), that’s who you’ll reach.

Here’s an example:

If you really want to connect the folks in your crowd (see Concentric Circles, my explanation of the diagram) you’ll need to keep in mind that they’re not there every week. That means that you’ll need to promote it several weekends in a row.
Keep in mind that they’ll probably be more interested in a “show up” felt need study than in a “homework driven” Bible study.
Next, don’t forget that a 6 week study is short enough to imagine committing and long enough to begin establishing connection and the continuity of new habits.
Finally, you might keep in mind that it’s almost always easier for someone in the crowd to imagine taking a baby step by attending an on-campus event (like a small group connection) than it is to join a group meeting in a home.

It’s All About Imagination

You know your congregation. You know your community. That’s an advantage and a disadvantage. Daniel J. Boorstin, former Librarian of the US Congress, said that, “The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance – it is the illusion of knowledge.” On the same subject, Cynthia Barton Rabe, author of The Innovation Killer, warns that “what we know limits what we can imagine.”

Can I encourage you to open your eyes to possibilities that you’ve never seen before. Talk to the folks in your crowd, in your community. Ask them what would appeal to them. Ask them how they came to your church the very first time and what made them come back. Ask them what keeps them coming.

Keep this main thing in mind: if you ask your most connected members who their 10 best friends are (in your area), they’ll almost always tell you that 8, 9, or even all 10 of them are also already really connected at your church. But if you ask the folks in your crowd who their 10 best friends are…they’ll be quick to tell you that their best friends have never been to your church. They live across the cul de sac. They were parents on the tee ball team 3 years ago. They’re in a bunko group together.

To reach the friends of the folks in your crowd…you’ll have to connect the folks in the crowd first. Remember, the x factor is near the edge.

Accelerate GroupLife in 2011: T – 5 Weeks

Mark Howell — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 12:49:05 +0000

Are you ready for a year that might double the number of people connected? How about triple it? There really are things you can do that will exponentially impact grouplife at your church (and in your community), but they’re only rarely accidental.

Most of the big system-wide moves in small group ministry are the result of planning and preparation. In the first post in this series we talked about beginning to develop an annual calendar for 2011, specifically nailing down a date (or dates) for a small group connection in late January/early February, and starting the process of selecting the right curriculum for that connection. If you need to get caught up, you can read the first post right here.

This Week’s Assignment

Like last week, there are two things you can do right now that will help generate more excitement and enthusiasm for your connection event.

First, you’ll want to talk with your senior pastor about including a mention of the connection event in the sermon in the first three weeks of January. You’ll want an announcement, too. This is not that. You’ll want it in the bulletin. This is not that. You’ll want it on the website. This is not that either. Let me tell you something…getting a good mention in the sermon is one of the most important ingredients in getting a good turnout.

If possible, you really want a point in the message to be about the benefits of doing life together. Whether you get that or not, you need a clearly stated mention of the upcoming connection that includes pulling out the sign-up form (bulletin insert) and instructing people to fill it out and put it in the offering at the end of the service.

While we’re on the subject of incorporating a mention of the connection in the pastor’s message, let me point you to an important post on how to make the small group ask. I am a big believer in choreographing the moves in the ask. At the same time, I’ve worked with many senior pastors and some naturally resist the idea of using the message strategically. All you can do is all you can do. Read the article yourself in order to explain the sequence.

The second thing you need to do this week is identify the best candidates for either live or video testimony about the benefits of grouplife. Personal testimony is a powerful addition to the three services leading up to the connection event(s). There’s almost nothing that can accomplish more than someone saying, “If I hadn’t been in a group” or “because we were in a group.” Finding the best candidates for the testimonies is important. Don’t wait until the last minute. I’ve written two articles on developing video or live testimony here and here (this one even includes a sample video). It’s important to remember that live works just as well as taped. It’s the right story that makes the difference.

Question: What do you think about this week’s assignment? Does it make sense? Do you have your doubts? Use the comment section to put in your two cents. You can leave a comment by clicking here.

Important Keys to GroupLife at Crowd’s Edge

Mark Howell — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 12:38:10 +0000

Kathy asked a great question yesterday about GroupLife Is Different at Crowd’s Edge (a post I wrote recently). Here’s her question:

Working the edge sounds very exciting. I am interested in the practical approach you take to capture these folks. How do you recruit? How do you train? How do you monitor? Can you point me in the direction of more specifics on how to pull this off? Thanks!

To begin with…great questions! Love that you’re excited about the potential of working at the edges of your congregation and even the crowd. It really is where life is most carbonated.

In order to answer your questions, I need to point you to several keys. At the same time, it’s more information than I can fit in one post…so follow along and I’ll build the idea as simply as I can. Here we go:

How Does GroupLife Begin at Crowd’s Edge?

First of all, you need to have this diagram in mind. I wrote an article in January of 2008 that explains it in more detail, but it helps to understand that the more connected a person is inside your church the less connected they probably are outside your church.*

This is one of the main reasons I am a fan of open groups and also one of the main disadvantages to North Point’s small group system. Although there are some benefits to the closed group model, in my mind any benefit is trumped by this key understanding: as a person becomes more connected inside your church, they often become less connected outside your church.

I demonstrate this on the diagram by pointing out that the square represents the people in your church who meet the following criteria:

If something happens to them (or a member of their family), someone else from the church finds out about it without anyone calling the church. Whether that something that happens is an illness, a job loss, a marriage issue or a concern with a child…they are cared for in a way that screams “connected.” It is about being cared for.
There is someone building into them from a spiritual standpoint on a regular basis who is not the pastor. Might be a small group leader or member of their group. Might be the leader of the team they serve on. But there is someone affirming them and challenging them spiritually. Spiritual growth and discipleship are happening. It is about being developed.

In most cases if you interview the people in the square and ask them who their 10 closest friends are within their city or town, they’ll tell you that 8 or 9, or even all 10 of them are also inside the square.

What do you think happens if you interview someone who is not in the square? Where do you think their closest friends are? In the square? In the circle? Or outside the circle?

Here’s the first key to GroupLife at Crowd’s Edge. Especially when you interview people who are closer to the edges of your congregation…they’ll tell you that 8 or 9 of their closest friends are outside the circle. There may be one person inside the circle…often they are the one that invited them to the church…but most of their closest connections have never even attended.

Think about that for just a moment. Think about all that’s contained in that idea. For example, if you’ve ever done 40 Days of Purpose (or another church-wide study), what might this tell you about hand picking small group hosts from the square (what I call the “usual suspects”)? Who do you think might have the best chance of inviting someone from outside the congregation to “come over to my house?”

I believe the first key to working the edges of the crowd is to acknowledge the outreach potential, the advantages, of the people closest to the edge. I’ll be back tomorrow with the second key to working the edges of the crowd tomorrow. Want to make sure you get the update? You can sign up right here.

Question: What do you think about this first key? Does it make sense? Do you have your doubts? Use the comment section to put in your two cents. You can leave a comment by clicking here.

*A Common objection to this idea is that some of the most involved people do build bridges in the community. There is a small segment of the square that actually is proactive about establishing relationships outside the congregation. Can you think who that might be? While that may be true for some, it is decidedly not true for the average person who is very connected.

Accelerate GroupLife in 2011: 6 Weeks

Mark Howell — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 12:56:01 +0000

Ready for all 2011 could be? I’m putting a kind of countdown series together over the next 6 weeks to give you some ideas about how to make 2011 a grouplife year to remember. If you’re just getting started…here’s what I’d be thinking about. If you’re already firing on all cylinders…here are a few ideas that might help you tweak your 2011 plan.

The first thing I do is begin putting together a calendar for the whole year. To make sure you’re thinking strategically about the whole year, take a look at my article, How to Build an Annual GroupLife Calendar. A key here is to recognize that there are best times to do certain things. Unlike the idea that there’s always room for jello…there really are times that maximize the impact potential of a church-wide campaign or a small group connection.

The second thing I’d be doing this week (or as soon as possible) is getting dates on the 2011 calendar for a small group connection (or connections). Late January or early February are great opportunities to connect people into groups because people enter the new year with a natural motivation to make changes. If they’re unconnected…this might be the year when they give grouplife a test-drive. You might be tempted to run your connecting event early in January. My experience is that you’ll catch more people if you promote it for 3 or 4 weeks (often beginning with a soft promotion in the Christmas Eve bulletin).

Third, begin thinking about just the right curriculum for the groups that form at the connecting event. Choosing a study (or studies) that appeal to “turn over a new leaf” people makes a lot of sense and will help your sign up process. For example, we’re planning a two weekend small group connection event. One weekend to launch small groups for couples and the following weekend to launch groups for men, women and singles. We’re looking for studies that will appeal to those target groups. We’re considering Fireproof. We’re also taking a look at Financial Peace as part of the strategy. After all, “I want a better marriage in 2011″ and “I want my finances to be better in 2011″ are both very strong motivations.

This is a short “to do” list, but a very powerful one. If you start thinking about 2011 now…there’s a good possibility it will be your best grouplife year yet! And that makes taking these simple steps pretty important.

This is part one of a 6 week series. Click here to read part two.

Where Do You Want To Go with Your Small Group Ministry?

Mark Howell — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 13:42:42 +0000

Have you ever actually thought through where you want to go with your small group ministry? Have you ever looked further ahead than this year and dreamed about what things will look like in 10 years? I mean really took some pains to describe the preferred future of your small group ministry?

Tom Peters described vision as a “picture of a preferred future.” I love that definition. Vision is seeing word. I’ve been using this diagram* to describe a number of important concepts in small group ministry. My article, This Road Doesn’t Go There illustrates the fact that only a new trajectory arrives at the preferred future. You Are Here begins to tease out the idea that where you are today is a result of decisions you’ve made in the past.

Today I want to focus on the preferred future for your small group ministry. This really is a huge concept, much more than we can talk through adequately in a single article, but we can begin to look at it. Here are three aspects you need to see:

The preferred future has elements of your probable future. Remember, we’ve already pointed out the fact that once you really know the truth about your present, you will be very close to knowing how things will turn out in 10 years if nothing changes. But you probably wouldn’t want everything to change. Some of what you’re doing is already good or even great.
The preferred future also has elements of the possible future. One of the most important steps in defining your preferred future is to dream broadly about what could happen. Use flip charts and markers. Pull together the dreamers in your organization and think about what you’d do in small group ministry if you knew you couldn’t fail. What are all the things that are possible?
I also want you to notice that some of the preferred future in the diagram is actually outside the lines of what’s possible. That is intentional. You need to think that way. You need to think beyond what you could reasonable expect to do in your own power. That’s where God comes in. You also need to realize that some of what can happen in the future is outside the boundaries of today but won’t be outside the boundaries tomorrow.

This third aspect of the preferred future is very significant. You can’t know what it will be exactly…but you need to be able to stretch your imagination beyond what you actually think is possible. Thinking beyond what is possible today and moving as close to the edges of what’s possible is what puts you in striking distance of what scientist Stuart Kauffman calls the adjacent possible (described in Steven Johnson’s Where Good Ideas Come From).

“The adjacent possible is a kind of shadow future, hovering on the edges of the present state of things, a map of all the ways the present can reinvent itself (p. 31, Where Good Ideas Come From).”

Here’s a quick illustration of how the adjacent possible works:

The development of DVD-driven curriculum made it possible for people with the gift of hospitality to lead a small group. You don’t need a teacher if you have Rick Warren on the DVD.
The Small Group Connection made it possible to connect people without a prequalified leader and for leaders to be identified during an event.
The HOST concept made it possible to connect people who didn’t come to an event. Asking volunteers to host a group and invite their own members made it possible to connect the friends and neighbors of everyone in the congregation.
The Church-Wide Campaign made it possible to jump-start a large number of groups at one time, even to have more people in groups than you have at your weekend services.

That’s where we stand right now. It is now possible to ask for volunteer hosts who have no teaching gifts or abilities, to host a vibrant group where disciples are being made. Who would have thought that 10 or 20 years ago?

Are we now on the final frontier of what is actually possible? I say we’re not.

What if a topic was identified that people outside the congregation could choose to form a group around? What if a compelling topic was identified and then developed in a way that people outside the congregation (or on the very edges of the crowd) would pick it up and form their own group?

That’s a taste of the adjacent possible. What have you got? I’d love to hear your idea!

* I first saw this diagram in Turning the Future into Revenue, a business book by Glen Hiemstra.

Discovering What’s Next in Small Group Ministry

Mark Howell — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 13:06:29 +0000

I am a huge fan of innovation. I always want to try out the newest gadget. I love seeing what the new thing can do. I even love trying new foods. Although I have my favorites, if I see what I think will be a great new combination of tastes on the menu, I’ll pick that a lot of the time.

I’m like that in ministry, too. Let me hear about a new way of doing things, a new strategy that seems to be working, and I’m just curious. I want to discover what’s next.

After meeting with Tim Sutherland while candidating for the position at Parkview, he told the rest of the team, “Just know that if you hire Mark Howell you’re hiring a mad scientist.” I loved that! I want that on my business card!

I want to find strategies that work better. That’s why I test new ideas when they come along. That’s why when I began hearing about the Small Group Connection I wanted to try it. I was in a church that was too large to know all of the potential leaders. The Connection identifies leaders during the event. What’s not to like about that? Admittedly, when the Host strategy first came along I wasn’t quite ready to ditch the Connection idea, but I did like the idea that HOST connects people who don’t come to the event. That’s a big idea.

I’ve got 3 articles that I really want you to read. All three are about exploring what’s next in small group ministry. I really hope you’ll take a few minutes and read them. It just might be that they’ll help you re-think an area where you’re stuck:

I write what I write because I want you to succeed at what you’re doing. I want all of us to connect more people, to make more disciples, and to impact our communities. And I’m convinced that the next idea might make it happen. I want in on that. And I hope you do, too.

“You Are Here” and Getting To There

Mark Howell — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 13:40:20 +0000

Have you ever been completely turned around in a mall or an amusement park, desperately looking for a directory? One of those big maps with a large red star that says “You Are Here?” Sometimes that red star simply helps you see where you are. Sometimes it is an essential ingredient in getting to where you want to go.

This illustration is from one of my most requested talks. I explained it recently in an article called Different Leads to a Church OF Groups. Today I want to highlight another important aspect of the concept, a teeny tiny detail with huge implications that often gets overlooked.

Last week I wrote that “the only way to get to there (the preferred future) is to move over to a new trajectory.” Although I didn’t spend any time on it, you can see right away that the current trajectory leads to the probable future. And as you can imagine, the probable future is not much different than today. In fact, we could say that if nothing changes about your strategy or execution, tomorrow will be pretty much like today. That’s why I say “the well-worn path never arrives at a new destination.”

Today I want to point out that where you are today (the present in the illustration) is a direct result of decisions you’ve made in the past. Where you are right now (the state of your coaching structure, the health of your small group system, etc.) is actually the probable future of sometime back in the past.

Think about that. The decisions you’ve made over the years have actually created the present state of your small group ministry. You’re having trouble finding enough leaders? It’s largely because of decisions you’ve made (or a predecessor). Can’t make a coaching structure come together? Probably a result of a string of ideas, strategies and tactics from the past. Stuck at the same level of group participation? You got it. The most likely culprit is the set of past decisions.

Andy Stanley says, “Your ministry is perfectly designed to produce the results you are currently experiencing.” Want different results? You’ve got to change the design. Want to arrive at a new destination? You’ve got to move over to a new trajectory.

How do you move over to a new trajectory? You learn to think differently about things like building an effective coaching structure. You open your eyes to new ways to launch groups like the small group connection or you lower the bar in terms of who can lead a group and embrace the HOST concept. You move to a new trajectory by unleashing the exponential power of a perfectly executed church-wide campaign.

Memo: It won’t be easy. If your present is the direct result of decisions made in the past, escaping the straight-jacket of conventional thinking will be difficult. But you can do it! And you must do it if you want to arrive at a new destination.